last month i lost $250 on a day i'd set aside to save money. i have a practice, a hand on my chest and one word, and it did nothing about that. i'd rented a truck to clear out my storage unit. i forgot the key and had to drive back home for it. when i finally backed the truck up to the loading door, the gate came down on it. i got out and straightened it with my hands, and it had a crack in it after. the manager walked over for my license, and i gave it to him without a word. by the time i walked into the office to ask about it, someone had already called it in. somebody else had hit that gate earlier in the week, and i said that too. i asked twice if it could be pulled back. it couldn't. i wasn't mad. i finished loading the boxes and went to chipotle after. the money still went out. so i want to say what it doesn't do, because it's a lot.
it didn't save us, the night i first said the word. the no was mine, and it was still over. i have just enough time in a day to rest and be up early. the night i covered someone's shift, everything got pushed back. i still finished the work. the sleep is what i didn't get back, and my body knew it the next day. one morning at 9.37 a message came in that i didn't need, and it had me for about ten minutes. it took me a couple of minutes to even notice. then i counted from one to ten and put what it said behind me, and the ten minutes didn't come back. i keep my days the same on purpose. it's how i stay steady. i switched my fixed day for someone once, one day, one time, and told myself it was fine, i'm flexible. how annoyed i was after is how i found out the yes cost more than i'd admitted. and the thinking never stops. my mind still runs ahead to what's next and what might happen, all day long. the fear is still there too.
what it gives me is small. about half a second, right before my hands move. without it i do the usual thing and call it being fast. and the half second isn't the deciding. the deciding is still on me.
here's the part that doesn't sit right with me yet. one week i promised myself i wouldn't change my schedule for anybody, not even for an hour. i said yes to something anyway. i heard it three minutes later and went back and took it back. the promise didn't stop it. all it did was let me hear it, late. the other yes that day i didn't go back for. so i can decide a thing ahead of time, and that day the answer still came out on its own, faster than i could get to it. i don't have that worked out. idk if i will.
a cue, not a cure.
the other week i took my daughter to the beach here in chicago. it was hot out with some wind, so i took her into the water to cool off. i kept it to about an hour. she played in the sand, scooping water into her bucket. after that i got her congee from people i know, and she ate a lot of it. then i dropped her off and came home and worked.
nobody can buy time. if this works out there's a chance i get more of it with my daughter later. right now i'm building it for her, and i still lose time with her doing it.