"here." is the word i say, hand on my heart, when i'm losing myself. this is the night i said it for the first time.
it all started on that night. the texts from someone i loved kept coming in about our relationship, and i was under a lot of pressure. i was working, and i just wanted to pay attention to the thing in front of me. i still tried to fix things over text and focus on my work. but nothing seemed to improve, and we were going back and forth for hours now. at that point, i just wanted to give up.
but i didn't. i tried to pull myself together through that moment, in hope that i could still save us. but the yes doesn't want to come out anymore because there is no reason to — us just can't be saved now. the pain forced me to stand up and take the truth — it was finally bigger than the fear. the fear of saying no.
i knew the truth, but i didn't know what to do with it — and i started to feel like i'm losing myself. i wish that moment was under my control and quiet, so i could find that peace and think things thoroughly. but deep down i already knew, it would be all lie and that fear wanted me to surrender — i felt it. and that's when i started to find the peace in myself during the most chaotic time.
i was in my car, i put my head down, i take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. and there was one possible strength left in my mind, just one — i wanted to put my hand over my heart, to tell myself that it's ok, i got me. and that was the first step of taking the control back to myself. then i continue to say "here." to confirm that i really have myself back. and that's the completion of the method — i now have come back to me.
by being present in that moment, i didn't give the yes. it was clear — like it was meant to be. and the no went out and everything just went quiet — the phone for a few seconds, and then me. that was the first time that i finally walked into the right door that was waiting for me.
i never had this kind of experience before. it felt like i was able to truly choose for myself, and not being designed by the situation. and that was the first time that i felt steady, clear, at peace — things slowed down for me to make my own decision.
and that's the reason why i kept practicing the method of being present ever since. and yes, there are days that the yes still goes out, but i know now where it wants to go in that half a second before it's out, and i can choose again. and that's how the method got made into this tool that i so-called it a hoodie.
and it's funny, because i started say brand 4–5 years ago — even before we met. it has always been my dream to complete it, but i was never able to. and the concept was kind of different as well — the first version was a multilingual brand — one word for the whole collection, and each hoodie has that word in a different language. so if the word is hello, the hoodies are hello, ni hao, hola, bonjour. then in the next version, i changed it to one meaningful word printed on the hoodie — something like perseverance, love, or hope. but something gave me a reason to believe that say brand is actually the part where i say "here." on that night — to complete the method of being present. and it made me believe that that night happened for a reason and a lesson. i will try not to lose myself again.
i hope that whoever is going through the same thing as i was will have the strength to fight through all of this. and i learned that it's not about the other person or other things at all — it all started within me. it was the fear. and it's the same fear in the small things too, the ones i still say yes to when i don't mean it. this method is what gave me the strength to bring what's inside of me out. and by being present, and knowing where i am and what i'm doing, i get a sense of being structured — designed by myself, and not by others or my old beliefs. life is precious and purposeful.