"here." is the word i say, hand on my heart, when i'm losing myself. this is the night i said it for the first time.
it all started on that night. the texts from someone i loved kept coming in about our relationship, and i was under a lot of pressure. i was working, and i just wanted to pay attention to the thing in front of me. i still tried to fix things over text and focus on my work. but nothing seemed to improve, and we were going back and forth for hours now. at that point, i just wanted to give up.
but i didn't. i tried to pull myself together through that moment, in hope that i could still save us. but the yes doesn't want to come out anymore because there is no reason to. us just can't be saved now. the pain forced me to stand up and take the truth. it was finally bigger than the fear. the fear of saying no.
i could see what was true, and i still had no idea what to do with it. and i started to feel like i'm losing myself. i wish that moment was under my control and quiet, so i could find that peace and think things through. but deep down i already knew, it would be all lie and that fear wanted me to give in. i felt it. and that's when i started to find the peace in myself during the most chaotic time.
i was in my car, i put my head down, i take a deep breath in, and a deep breath out. and there was one possible strength left in my mind, just one. i wanted to put my hand over my heart, to tell myself that it's ok, i got me. and that was the first step of taking the control back to myself. then i continue to say "here." to confirm that i really have myself back. and that's the whole method done. i now have come back to me.
by being present in that moment, i didn't give the yes. it was clear, like it was meant to be. and the no went out and everything just went quiet. the phone for a few seconds, and then me. that was the first time that i finally walked into the right door that was waiting for me.
i never had this kind of experience before. it felt like i was able to truly choose for myself, and not being designed by the situation. and that was the first time that i felt steady, clear, at peace. things slowed down for me to make my own decision.
and that's the reason why i kept practicing the method of being present ever since. and yes, there are days that the yes still goes out, but i know now where it wants to go in that half a second before it's out, and i can choose again. and that's how the method got made into this tool that i so-called it a hoodie.
and it's funny, because i started say brand 4–5 years ago. even before we met. it has always been my dream to complete it, but i was never able to. and the concept was kind of different as well. the first version was a brand in many languages. one word for the whole collection, and each hoodie has that word in a different language. so if the word is hello, the hoodies are hello, ni hao, hola, bonjour. then in the next version, i changed it to one meaningful word printed on the hoodie, something like perseverance, love, or hope. but something gave me a reason to believe that say brand is actually the part where i say "here." on that night, to complete the method of being present. and it made me believe that that night happened for a reason and a lesson. i will try not to lose myself again.
i hope that whoever is going through the same thing as i was will have the strength to fight through all of this. and i learned that it's not about the other person or other things at all. it all started within me. it was the fear. and it's the same fear in the small things too, the ones i still say yes to when i don't mean it. this method is what gave me the strength to bring what's inside of me out. and by being present, and knowing where i am and what i'm doing, i feel steady and put together, designed by myself, and not by others or my old beliefs. life is precious and it has a purpose.